Humor - page 4
… for those who have done, or are considering doing, home stool testing ….
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?" ####
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN 2009 WHEN ...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you (or lives next door).
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a business-like manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.
8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
11. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
12. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
13. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
14. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
16. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
17. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
18. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
19. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.
(attempts at) Medical humor
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. M M, San Antonio, TX
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. S S, Manitoba, Canada
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see ... yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. R S, Norfolk, VA
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. L K, Detroit, MI
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Fred was afraid that this dog/best friend of 12 years had died. So he takes his dog to the vet. The vet listens to the motionless dog’s heart, hears nothing and tells Fred the dog has died. Fred asks if there is another test that can be done to be absolutely sure.
The vet leaves the room, comes back in a minute with a cat which he places on the floor. The cat walks around the table where the dog lies twice with no movement by the dog. The vet tells Fred that no response to a cat circling around a dog is confirmation of the dog’s death. A dejected Fred agrees.
The vet then gives Fred the bill - $340. Fred thinks that is little much and asks the vet why it is $340. The vet responds, “$40 for the office call and $300 for the Cat scan.” #####